Welcome Back Hated Old Friend.

Friends,

We all have a friend we hate to see come back to visit.

I have one of those.

It is back. Literally.

I was washing dishes, and I felt that premonition. All I was doing was washing glasses waiting for my beautiful friends to show up. And here it came again, that hated old friend.

My back. My back is torn up.

No, not that kind of back pain. Not the take some Tylenol and it gets better. The kind where you take a lot of Tylenol, with Codeine, and aspirin (mobic is better) and drink heavily until the pain kind of becomes a distant memory.

Like any old friend you love to hate.

NOPE! I am not going to your physical therapist. Yes, I had two good physical therapists, but that did not take away the hatred I developed from the other three ….

No. Not the kind your chiropractor can fix. My chiropractors tried and failed. Although, they did give me temporary relief.

NO! Absolutely not! I was not a candidate for a Laminectomy. I wasn’t even a candidate for a Laminectomy when the US Army doctors swore to me I was ….

Yes, I have had two fusions.

And yes, thank you very much TSJH I am stabilized.

But, that old friend is still a pain in the a$$ – literally. And everywhere else in my body from the bottom of my hair to the bottom of my feet. Literally.

You learn to live with it, because that is better than suicide.

Just a note, I am not suicidal, but if you are, hang up (quit reading) and call your emergency number and get help.

I thank God I am not suicidal. Death and a miracle are the only permanent cures for this disease. I have prayed for a miracle. OK. I have also prayed for death, more times than I care to remember.

Once, I lay there for hours waiting for the stupid doctor to finally say, “You must be right. Your heart is in great shape, and as much pain as you are in, and as high as that has sent your blood pressure, the only possibility is a ruptured disk in your neck. But, if you go to the emergency room and wait another six hours, they might be able to help you.”

YOU might be able to make this stuff up if you were Jerry Seinfeld.

But, I am not that good at humor. Even though some of the doctors have been hilarious.

Another great one.

“It is your cowboy boots.” The doctor told me.

I replied, “Really? Can you tell me how my cowboy boots I have had for a year ruptured my disk ten years ago?”

She got angry.

I stayed in pain, and yes, you guessed it, no pain relief, because “I am not a pain specialist, so I cannot prescribe anything stronger than Tylenol.”

To which I replied, “Yes you could.” She looked at me with a smile on her face. You could prescribe, “800 mg Motrin, 200 mg Tylenol, and muscle relaxers. That is what most normal doctors start with.”

Talk about wipe the smile off of her face.

Oh well.

It is back. Think of it starting like this.

Go for a run (three times your normal run distance or at least a mile.) Then work out your calf muscles for an hour.

Then stretch your legs. That tightness? You are getting close.

Now add the pain of a major sprain to it.

And cramps.

And tremors.

And brain freeze – luckily that happens more from the drug side effects than the back injury.

Yawning. That is the one I hate the most. Not because it is the worst. Just because everyone really thinks I am ‘just tired.’

It is not as bad as the beast. The hated old friend’s older, bigger, meaner brother.

Then I cannot sleep, or I cannot wake up. I have spinal shocks. And sometimes the brain freeze, and sometimes brain cramps – yes! Brain cramps are real. Thank God again, those are seldom, and half the time are medicine side effects.

Well, here he comes again.

Welcome back hated old friend.

Just in time for me to smile when the girls get here.

Beauty and the beast.

Well, as long as I keep a smile on my face, and laugh some, they will not know how much pain I am in. Laughter is better medicine than most prescriptions.

And how was your day?

Wayne

This post was for the weekly writing challenge.

Advertisement